The Six
by fEmAleNoMad
Summary: The Jake and Amir fandom is small. That's not a bad thing. Here's a sample of fanfics that we would have had to deal with otherwise. Slash is barely there, but if you can make it so if you want.
1. Introduction

The Six

(AN: This fandom has a very small number of fics to its name, but it is bigger than I expected, we have a character name! Yay! On an off-topic note, did a Streeter fan create the character list? I really hope someone writes a fic for Best Buy Guy. Anyway, on to the show. Yes, I know its based on a Josh Ruben segment, but bear with me as we connect the streams.)

So reader, you are new to the Jake and Amir fandom. Congratulations! If you are looking for fanfiction, you might be limited in options though, but that's not a bad thing. Otherwise you would have to deal with…


	2. Needless Angst

The Needless Angst Fic

Jake stares at the linoleum floor. It's grey and white with darker grey flecks. The tv is on, but it's on mute and has something to do with some Hollywood starlet he doesn't care about.

God, he hates this place. Its smells like piss and old people.

He tightens his grip on Amir's hand, though he probably wouldn't notice. Lying in the hospital bed, it's so strange to see him so...normal. He's not figiditing in his sleep for once, or making strange noises. That might be a bad sign.

Every time. Every single time Amir does something so stupidly life threatening, Jake is here, by his side waiting for him to wake up. By this point, the nurses knew them pretty well, bending the rules a bit to allow him to stay past visiting hours, even though he wasn't family. Then again, Linford stopped coming to handle these things a while ago, so did Amir's mother.

The worst part wasn't that Jake would be resentful of this lost time, or that Amir wouldn't be aware of how carelessly he was towards his life (and how he will probably do something worse tomorrow). It just kept going on, the status quo slowly killing it...whatever it was they had, and Jake had come to accept the lack of resolution in his life. He knew it couldn't be neatly tied up like a script with a funny joke at the end.

The worst part was this in-between time- when there was time to think. The inconsistencies, the "goofs," the minor attrocites, none of it made any sense. One day Amir would ruin his life, the next he'd be doing the same thing. Who acted like that in real life anyway?

Was he the one who needed to wake up from this? Or was he slowly going crazy too?

There was a faint rustle. The previously motionless figure was now trying to kick the sheets off himself while he was still asleep.

He heard Amir mutter something about candle wax (at least he was remembering yesterday's events).

"It's ok, I'm here." As of it made a difference anymore.

"We're still Gullies right?" Dammit. He's going to...

"Gullies forever, man." He said it again, automatically. That term's lost all meaning even to Amir at this point, why was he even...

"Goodnight, Jake."

He sighed, "Goodnight, Amir.


	3. Space and Jocelyn

The Crack Fic that is Out of Character

"Hey Amir, I've finished all my work today, do you want to go throw lettuce at Pat? Maybe we could then go to the Ds and get some Noogs?Amir?"

"No can do Jakey boy." Amir loads his Kimber and takes a long drag from his cigar. "Sam's put a bounty on Van Veen's head and I mean to claim it."

"Well diddly-do folks, it looks like we're gonna EXPLOR!" Jake gives Amir two thumbs up, but Amir just stares at him blankly.

"New catchphrase?"

"I kuh-no. It has a while to catch on, but if we were able to get 'Wildebeast say waaat?"on a Busted Tee, I think we should keep trying."

"Fair enough. Hitch on to my back and we'll see if the time scarf can be of any use."

"Have you calibrated the coordinates on the yarn?" asked Jake. "I'd do it, but the thread to the fifth dimension seems to be stuck."

"Maybe..." mused Amir, "No. It's impossible."

Jake scratched his chin and asked, "Do you think that maybe, if we pulled on it together, the power of our friendship could create enough perpetual motion to get us through the wormhole?"

"Oh darling, that is exactly the hypothesis I considered." Amir grabs Jake into his arms. "We might not make it out alive."

"Jocelyn, as long as we filed our tax returns, it doesn't matter. Kiss me sugah, for this might be our last.


	4. Bringing Up Baby

The Baby Story

"I'm pregnant."

"we already had this discussion. You can't get pregnant. You're a guy."

Amir pointed to his stomach smugly "oh! Bet you didn't see that one coming? Did you?"

"You stuffed a pillow under your shirt."

"Its going to be so awesome- we'll be like...Jake and the Fat Man! We can solve crimes, get a dog, and I can bodyslam people with my belleh! That's what fat people do for fun, right Streeter?"

"Shut up man." Streeter mumbled as he continued typing, not bothering to pay attention to the conversation, much less take off his bright green headphones.

"Ok. One, that was already a television show from a really long time ago. Two, if you were pregnant, which you are not, bodyslamming anyone would be a really bad idea. Three, you should probably apologize to Streeter because that was really mean..."

"I'm hormonal. I can say whateva."

"No you can't"

"And, I'd appreciate your moral support as I'm going through this difficult time! The first step to fatherhood is stepping up to your responsibilities and being an adult. My body is going through hell, ok? Least you could do is be there for me."

"I don't need to...What are you eating?"

"An Apple Noog Pickle Quarter Pounder McFlurry with Extra M&Ms. Sauce on the side since I want to get rid of this baby weight."

"Fine. I give up. Pregnancy cravings?"

"No, just thought I'd take a whack out of my snack attack so hit the road...Jaaake. I'm hosing down this dog and pony show...with extra pickles."

"That is...disgusting."

"It's the miracle of life!" Amir pulls a baby doll from nowhere and throws it at Jake's face. It's black and looks like neither of them. "Congratulations! It's a girl. She has your eyes."

Jake looks frustrated, but gets the doll in his hands. He caresses it. "She's so beautiful. I... don't know what to say."

"We're naming her Bleffiny after Leron's mother's brother's son."

"Your brother?" Jake can't even stay angry at Amir. He's cooing at the doll and trying to rock it in his arms.

"No."

"Hey there. Don't cry, Daddy's here. 're right, man. This is...so much bigger than us and I'm willing to commit to this. I mean, us."

"Well, if you love that peice of crap, your going to love this. Using a nominal amount of DNA, mostly from you mind you, from the two of us, I hired someone to genetically engineer for us a baby!"

Jake drops the doll, "What?"

Drop in next week to see the conclusion... with special guest Ben Swartz!


	5. Crossing Over

The Crossover

"Hey Jake, how do you edit a video?"

"If this is one of those Ace and Jocelyns I swear I'm going to..."

"No, we're on mid-season break due to a lack of fundage. Apparently the adopt-a-Girl-Scout program is making zero profitos."

"Are you serious? Human trafficking? This is a new low, even for you."

"Releex. Most of them beat me up anyway, but 'tis not the point. Jocelyn's big speech to the space accountants keeps getting all these sound problems."

"Ok, so you lied, it is an Ace and Jocelyn."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't help me if I said it wasn't! Just stop being a birch and come over here!"

Jake continued to check his email before Amir's high pitched screaming took its toll on his eardrums. Extremely annoyed, he headed over to Amir's desk.

"Let's see the footage." Amir threw him the camera, barely missing Jake's head.

"Okay,so you haven't even taken the tapes out. Why are you using film anyway? Don't you have a digital camera?"

"Way of the future son, keep up with the times!"

"You're going backwards." Jake took the tape and they headed over to the editing room.

"Who's that tall guy standing in the background?" asked Jake

"Huh?"

"Don't tell me you can't see him."

"Some lame-o who was just there. Its a park. People go there, duh."

"But he's in every frame. And have you noticed when he's around the video gets distorted?"

"Are you scared Jakey?" Ricky should pay more for heating, this room was unbearable in the winter.

"Don't call me that. And yeah, I'm a little freaked out. Where did you get this camera?"

"I dunno, some nerd with Beiber hair just gave it to me, said he needed to get rid of it. And guess what? He had glasses!"

"You wear glasses. Don't you think it's weird he just gave it to you?"

"No, free camera. Holy sheesh, he doesn't have a face."

"Didn't you notice that before?"

"No. I just saw a very nice tall man, enjoying an afternoon in the park, with some Girl Scouts. He left them and they were all confused and crying or whatever, so you know, I go out there like a hero and say finders keepers. They didn't even their own names, so stop being a bitch about it." Amir paused, "What were we talking about again?"

"I...I don't know." It was alright for Amir not to remember, but not Jake. He looked around the editing room anxiously. "How did we get here?"

The lights began to flicker, until the bulbs became brighter and brighter until they popped, glass shattering on the floor.

"Maybe we shouldn't have closed the door," Jake reflected.

"Ooh. Good idea Sherlock."

"Shut up. At least the monitors are still on. Though they aren't responding. And my phone just died."

"Jake, are you behind me?"

"If I'm sitting in front of you, no, I would not be behind you. Why?"

"I think I feel a tentacle."

The monitors flickered, then went black.


	6. Leather Pants

Leather Pants

Amir is spinning around in his office chair- trying to spot like the ice skaters do- he looks a bit queasy but is still smiling. Cut to a quick shot of him sitting on the chair with his vacant look. He jumps up to sit on top of his desk and dangles his legs over Jakes side.

"So, comprende, know any fly homebodys round dis place?" Amir starts doing a cris-crossing motion with his legs as he is suspended from the barrier. He is wearing black pleather pants that squeak when he moves and silver cowboy boots with fringe.

"Amir can you bother me any time that is not now? I have a major presentation due..."

"Not now, not eva babe."

"Don't call me that."

"You know better than to ask me to stop... I'm like a turtle. Cut of the head, two more appear. Oh!"

"I think you mean hydra. What's with the pants?"

"Oh, this old thing? I've been wearing them the whole time. Cause I'm cool like that." he repeats this last sentence in multiple high pitched intonations.

"No, you haven't."

"Yuss, I have. Look." He shows Jake a picture of the two of them."

"Ok, so you just used Sharpie to add these onto your pictures. Where'd you get them?"

"My fans gave them to me -though I stole the boots off a homeless guy."

"You have fans? From what?"

"Ace and Jocelyn. Duh. They said I walked the swagger now I just needed to dress the part. So boom, half a space suit." He jumps off the desk and shows Jake his butt.

"It says Bite Me on the back."

"Yeah to taunt the epic space wolves...and the ladies if you catch my drift."

"I wish I didn't."

"So now that I'm stylin', you wanna head out to a club or something? I could probably get more honeys in this getup than you could in the stupid vest and fedoras."

"You know what, let's do this. Only so I can show you what real style is. And lo, when everyone inevitably starts to laugh at you, you will see the inherent power of the fedodo."

26 hours later

"I can't believe so many girls went home with you." Jake's stare is wide as he sits at his desk, too depressed to think about doing work.

"I told you, it's the pants. How many went home with you?"

"Um... Twelve."

"Really? Cause I saw people throwing things at you."

"Ok, so maybe some guy named Michael called me a jerk, but it was just an off night for JWitz... What happened to the pants?"

"I set them on fire. You know pleather makes the coolest explosions when mixed with Molotov cocktails?"

"Am I now incriminated in something? Because I'm not bailing you out again."

Amir grabs one of the boots and starts to vomit in it- it's a combination glitter, soup, and blood.

"Ugh, Jake. I think one of those hos was a space wolf in disguise!"


	7. Jane and Mira Rule 63

Rule 63

"Jane. Jane. Jane. Jane. Jane. Jaaaane."

"What?"

"How random would it be if we were dudes?"

"Well, we aren't so go back to work."

"Seriously, though. You'd probably have a crush on some uggo fuggo like Sarah or something."

"I would not have a crush on Sarah, we've been friends for, like ever. And don't call her that, she still has yet to forgive you for crashing that bridal shower...with her car."

"I bet you would have a crush on me if I was a guy."

"If you were a guy, I'd be a guy. So, no."

"We'd probably stay up late swapping man-stories..."

"Man-stories?"

"You know, about all the play we get. The ladies would be poppin out like flies to hawt sauce, yo."

"Have you ever listened to yourself when you...forget it, you probably think it's cool."

"Yeah, I'd probably be so Ace if I was a guy."

"Well, at least the title for Ace and Julian would make sense."

"Nogative."

"Negative"

"Yes, you are being negative. I'd go for something hipper, like Jocelyn."

"Why cant you use that now?"

"Do you think we'd go to work naked? We could even, like fight shirtless and whateva."

"Hasn't stopped you before."

There was a breif silence. Jane appreciated only hearing the whirring of her monitor, but deep down she could tell this was not a good sign.

"Do you think Pat Cassels would be such a douche-face?" Mira yelled, just so she could see his reaction." He looked over at Jane to back him up, but all she could really muster was a half-hearted sorry. Despite her best attempts- and Mira's repeated threats on his life- things were still awkward after that time he and Sarah drunkenly hooked up, (and Jane punched him in the face, but whatever).

"Alright, alright. Just shut up. Yes, it would be weird. I can't fathom being male. I mean, I'd probably still be the cute one."

"Nay. 'Twould be meh. But we'd have an epic bromance."

"One-sided, but I guess it would make sense..."

"Ah, forget it, Broseph. You know I wouldn't trade our Bitchmance for anything."

"Could you stop calling it that?"

"Gullieship?"

"Close enough, I guess."


End file.
